Of course I am sad and feel an extreme sense of loss. I am angry. I am disappointed, most of all. Yet, at the same time I feel so filled with hope that it frightens me. I am so filled with longing for a new beginning and have been presented with the most timely of opportunities. Everything arrived from Oxford, was waiting for me at home, and I saw, leafing through the information, just how lucky I am. I am lucky to be going to Oxford, to get this extraordinary intellectual opportunity. I am lucky to be in Europe, at a hub of international travel. I am lucky this is now, so close I can almost touch it. I am lucky for the friends and family that I have.
I want to see my sister before I go. I am thinking, now, of going earlier to Europe, both Julie and Nick said I could stay with them before I move to Oxford, Nora will be in Italy/Spain, I could see my remaining friends in Germany, then Julie might be going to France. Maybe I should go take an intensive French language program. Go write in Cambodia. Go back to Argentina and write. It isn't about running away anymore, postponing the possibilities, now it is simply about seeing, enjoying and understanding the world.
I wish I could stay in New York for awhile, but the truth is that it is simply too hard for me at this point, so full of meaningful memories and recent regrets. I am hopeful, though, that it will all work out for the best, for all of us. For the first time in a long time I have real faith in myself and the decisions I have made. Everything is clear, so suddenly, once I allowed myself to do what I knew deep down was most honest, fair and true to myself. I made some real mistakes along the way, hurt people that I love deeply (and also been hurt by them), but this is where I belong at this point in my life. And I know I will be ok. There is just so much more to me than being a partner, a lover. It is an important part, but only a part and one that I have allowed to determine my life and myself for the past decade. I have learned so much, though painstakingly, the last year--wonderful and horrible things, soft, sweet, harsh, frustrating things. And the hope that I have comes from my realization that I have so much left to learn. And that I will know, I will decide as I have decided, I will be sure one day.
