Sunday, November 18, 2007

Every Day

Yesterday, Liana, Sabrina, Thais and I went to Bath. Running to the lodge, wet hair, late as usual, I felt as if I was at home. Over steak and chatter, wandering through the town, photographs with an old Mr. Darcy, the day was warm and sweet. My roommates were sweet as usual, indulging my desires for bath products and coffee. My classmates suddenly boundriless, caught up in pub kisses. There were no disappointments here...only at home. Only in what has been endlessly left behind, in both time and space, not in what was spoken but the loudest of silences. A part of me, a very big part, feels as if in the corner of that room, that world is my own lion waiting to pounce.

And now, with decisions on the tips of my fingers, running through my mind, I feel frozen. Am I just running away again? Or am I starting over? Am I breaking too many promises and expectations to myself and others? Am I breaking my own heart again? And how did it all arrive here, slow steps towards a stubborn in between? Where have I been all of this time?

It's cold here, the frost is running down my lacy windows. A day of baths, French, and a house dinner awaits. And I look forward to these near futures--it is only what follows after, in the weeks to come, that I am afraid of facing.
I think about it every day.