There are always more firsts to come. Today is the first day I pick up the phone and call you. Suddenly, severely, it clicks inside of me that you are gone. Such moments are fleeting, however, fended off by frantic salvation. I am so afraid.
I don't know where to look. Up or down or inside of myself somewhere. To my mother, my sister, my friends. To my past.
I wanted to tell you tonight, dad, although you are gone, that I found blackcurrant and licorice candy, all wrapped up in one. And I laughed, to animate both of our delight. I wanted you, our past, our friendship, all of it, so intensely that I fought tears on the street.
But I know you are here, somewhere, and I will find a way to you each day.
